Hopeless, but still hoping

I must say, its been quite some time since I last ran out of words to say and to be honest, I'm not liking this at all. These past few weeks, I found myself blankly staring into the sky and contemplating whether i've done the right things in my life. I am at a lost, knocked down and defeated by the countless curveballs that life has been throwing at me. And as much as i wanted to open up to my friends, i never really found the strength to do so. I reluctantly went for the obvious and sought comfort beneath the ice cold sheets of my bed as I wept myself to sleep. I never really intended to be so emotional, maybe there is just something about the way I communicate to God that weakens me in weird kind of way. It is only to Him that I can fully open myself because I know that He is a God that does not judge. Throughout my days in school, I found myself constantly cracking up and making fun of anything I could just so that I could fight of my tears.  These are the times when my excessive diligence and oc-ness comes in handy; there could not be a better timing for countless school works. But despite all of my efforts to escape the ever-so-daunting reality, it always finds a way to get back to me, sooner or later.

Last December 8, I attended my first ever mass at The Ateneo's Church of Gesù. I must say, it was probably the most emotional that I've ever been and I'm not sure if people really understood the gravity of the situation that I am in. There is more to my life than just worrying about the catastrophes of love. It has been four months since I last saw my dad and with the holidays coming up, I cannot help but remember his long warm hugs as the clock strikes 12 on the 24th of December, the way he kisses me every time I go home, or how he says "Goodnight, sweetie" every night before I go to bed. These little things mean the most so it always gets the best of me whenever I think of him and it is what brings me down to tears, every single time. Also, the fact that I have been working so damn hard for school but always end up getting mediocre or below average grades frustrates me in so many levels. I've always believed in the concept of equality so I am well aware of sacrificing in order to get something back, but how much more do I have to put on the line in order to get satisfying grades? I've also believed in this little theory of mine that whenever I have an extremely good day something bad is bound to happen in the end, or vice versa. With this in mind, it has always been a challenge for me to keep my day as "safe/tedious/neutral" as possible despite knowing the fact that it made me miss out on life a lot, all for the glory of good grades. All of these things were running through my head during the 45-minute special mass and it was only to Him that I could share these with.

After that heart-opening experience, I received a very exciting news that my dad was about to arrive on the 9th and I could not believe what i was hearing. God has answered my prayers sooner than I expected! This and a lot more have truly strengthen my faith in the Lord. Words cannot express how much I feel better with my life. Truly this season is the time for love and joy and I certainly would not let these problems hinder me from feeling the christmas spirit, after all it is the birthday of my savior, my God. Hoping for better days to come! :)